Thursday, June 28, 2012

Dear Author Elves

10:00 am
Dear author elves, your writing goal for the morning shift is 300 words. You can leave it on my desk. Thanks ever so much! Gratefully yours, the author

11:30 am
Dear author elves, may I clarify? It doesn't count if you write and delete 100 words three times over. And while I thank you for thinking of the laundry, I was really fine on socks. Yours, the author

1:10 pm
Dear author elves, I do appreciate that you work better in cooler and less humid environments. I'm happy to turn on the AC, if you can find it in yourselves to stop hanging out in the kitchen making cold drinks and get down to the business of writing. Getting a bit heated myself, the author

2:23 pm
Dear dratted -- uh, sorry,
draftless elves, I found the outlines for the next two pieces you produced this afternoon to be terrifically exciting, but since neither of these essays are due until late August at the earliest, perhaps you might turn a bit of that attention to the one due in mid-July? Hmmmm? focussing on the present, the author

3:46 pm
Author elves, Honestly, I wasn't serious about the duct tape, or the threat to withhold chocolate if you didn't start producing text. Have you no sense of humor? Please stop searching the interwebs for the OSHA regulations governing house elves and start using all that fascinating research I left in the folder on my desk for you. Hoping that we can get out of this sticky situation, the author

4:15 pm
OK, elves, let me show you how this is done. Sit. Write. Repeat. Done. And stop eyeing my chocolate...

Photo is of an elf found napping a block away, no wonder they didn't write anything!

Can you tell that I find writing the opening paragraphs painful at times?


  1. awesomely funny. and pps. please, author elves, please stop sneaking 20s out of my wallet and leaving me piles of books where you think I won't notice.

  2. Dear Pearl...the author elves here do the same thing!

  3. My elves were trained to clean dishes, but seem more interested in creating clutter