Saturday, January 24, 2015

Screwed up

Dear Refrigerator Manufacturer,

This last week, after almost 15 years of faithful
service, the light bulb in the refrigerator failed to produce photons on demand, i.e. when the door was opened.  How wonderful, I thought, that the bulb would last so long.

Shopping five days later, I purchased the correct bulb.  Only $2.69.  How wonderful, I thought, that the local store had just the bulb I needed, and that it cost so little.

I brought home the groceries and put them away, started dinner and then turned to what I imagined might be the task of a moment.  Replacing the bulb.  How wonderful, I thought, that I could do this small task tonight.

I went to remove the plastic grill that covers the bulb.  But the tabs wouldn't budge.  It was then I noticed that in the back of the grill, it was screwed in.  How wonderful, I thought, that I have screwdrivers right here in my kitchen drawer.  Phillips and flat head.  I got my flashlight out to see which I needed, to discover that neither would suit.  Oh dear, these were hexheaded screws.  Never fear, I have an adjustable crescent wrench up here, too.

It was here that things began to seriously degenerate.  Whoever installed these screws had used a device that left the heads a bit stripped.  Not much, just slightly rounded.  Now imagine the steam in my kitchen condensing on the surface of the screws, which are in the roof of the fridge and set back from the front, hidden behind the grill, making them slippery as all get out.  How wonderful, I thought, that I have such a command of invective that I need not repeat f--k over and over again.1

I did manage to remove both screws, and replace the bulb.

I wanted to let you know that while our experience has suggested that I will need to replace the appliance long before the light bulb, I did replace the supplied @#$%^ hex heads with my own flat headed screws.2  I hope this does not affect my warranty.

Yours sincerely,



Math Man came home, opened the fridge to look for a snack.  When he wandered into the sun room I asked him if he'd noticed anything about the refrigerator.  "You bought me yogurts?"  I face palmed.  "Indeed I did."  Sensitive husband that he is, Math Man inquired, "Is there something else I should have noticed? Oh, you got me milk."  I did, but suggested that he might want to look again. "You fixed the light." Ah, indeed I had.  If he's going to notice anything, I'm glad it's my feelings he notices!!

  1. I ran through four of the five languages I can swear in; it would have been hard to swear in ASL while dealing with the screws.
  2. The screws came from my mother-in-law's stash of small screws, all neatly labeled in a set of drawers that we inherited when my father-in-law died twenty years ago.  I was grateful for her organization, and the labels.  It was an unopened box of screws, which makes me wonder why they had been stashed away.

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