Portals

I have been thinking about Psalm 88 lately. The psalm is unusual in that no matter how dark other psalms get they tend to finish with images of redemption, glory, rescue. But not the 88th. It shows up every Friday at Compline (Night Prayer) in the Liturgy of the Hours. One might think it is not terribly consoling to pray such a desolate psalm just before bed. But to me it feels like a reality check, a reminder that I do not always find resolution at the end of each and every prayer, or closure at the end of every day. There are times in my life where I might despair of rescue, be unsure where God is in the darkness or in the waves that engulf me. Times when I must perforce sit with uncertainty.

I appreciated Sister Joan Chittester's wisdom in a reflection in Give Us This Day last fall. "Prayer is not an analgesic designed to protect us from life. It is, more times than not, part of the problem of life. One day we don't feel like praying. The next we pray but it doesn't make any difference… We try to pray but were far too distracted than we are soothed by the quiet or comforted by the sense of the presence of God." In his book, Into the Silent Land, Martin Laird, OSA, points out that when we go in search of peace in prayer, we often find instead what feels like chaos. But, he says, it is precisely in this meeting of confusion and peace that healing happens. Not by erasing our pain, but by offering a path for grace. 

So what are we to do? In her lovely book An Altar in the World, Episcopal priest Barbara Brown Taylor reflects on keeping an altar: “Since I am a failure at prayer, I keep an altar in my room. It is really an old vanity made of rosewood, with fancy scrollwork around the oval mirror and a small stack of drawers on either side. At worst I think of it as a piece of furniture that I offer God as a substitute for my prayers. At best, I think of it as a portal that stays open whether I go through it or not."

This makes me wonder about the altars that we keep, metaphorical and literal, that leave the door open to God, even when we think we are failures at prayer. Like a doorstop, keeping us from being locked out when our hands are too full to open the door, or when we need a breeze on a hot day. For me that might be Night Prayer at the end of the day, it might be the literal prayer space that I keep in my study upstairs, or the prayer rope I wear on my wrist. Sometimes it is my parish church, bathed in warm light. What portals do you keep propped open in your life?

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This got its start as part of a homily I preached for the memorial of Saint Thérèse of Lisieux, whose last days were marked by spiritual darkness. The photo is of St. Thérèse on my home altar, along with a small first class relic of St. Thérèse. And of course, there are roses.

Time past and time future

"Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present." TS Eliot, Four Quartets

The year of our Lord 2024 faded to 2025 as I climbed out of a hot soaking tub last night. The light was dim, the towel warm and soft. The aches of one year soaked out, the grit of another year washed away. A baptism of sorts. I spent the first minutes of 2025 in prayer, the ablutions an apt way to enter into that time and space.  

This last year has been eventful. Delightfully so at times, and at others presenting new and enormous challenges. In January, Steeped came out and caused a minor brew-ha-ha. (Or perhaps not so minor, the PR people estimate the news was seen more than 19 billion times.) There were many puns. There was a limerick (on Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me). There was a US State department briefing. There have been molecular tea parties. I did a tea and cake meet-up hosted by the Royal Society of Chemistry with Josh Smalley  — a chemist and GBBO finalist. I signed many books. And most delightful of all, I heard from so many former students.

In early April I gave a weekend retreat at a retreat house on the Finger Lakes in upstate New York just before the total solar eclipse. The retreat was a chance to read God's other book with a wonderful group of people  — friends old and new. Despite the clouds that obscured the sun, the eclipse was a moment of awe. 

I wrote about hope in the context of the election and in my own life, and about what made chemists think about putting fluorine in so many drugs. 

In July, on the feast of St. Ignatius of Loyola, I learned that I had Parkinson's disease. For the moment my symptoms are well-controlled and physical and occupational therapy have given me back so much that I had thought lost. May I never again take for granted the ability to sign my name or stir a cup of tea or cut a sandwich in half. Or fold my laundry. I haven't been able to bring myself to watch some of the video footage from the RSC event last summer, it is painful to see how much difficulty I was having. As for the future? It is unknown.

To what end does all this point? When I was studying for my master's in theology, one of my professors said if you were ever stuck in your comps, remember that the answer was always the Paschal Mystery. (This, I would like to point out, was no help at all when I failed to remember the dates of the minor prophets.) Passion, death and resurrection, a triplet of mysteries, all arising from the incarnation. Or if you'd rather, the mysteries of beginnings and endings, joys and pains. Woven together by threads of hope and wisps of grace. Everything points here.